It would be easy for me to look at my list of 2012 goals, and get disheartened by all the ones left untouched. I left a lot undone this year, and in the coming weeks I'll be reading posts about all the amazing things that other people have achieved, and I'm sure I'll start doubting myself thanks to them. But, I'm here today to clear the air (and to leave myself a little reminder): I look at those untouched goals as my greatest achievement this year. You might be questioning my mental state when I say such things, but let me dig in a little before you write me off.
I am a list maker, and a chronic overachiever. I rarely sit still, juggle dozens of projects daily, and feel the need to compete with my personal best at all times. This can be a really healthy attitude for some people, but for me it just creates a lot of anxiety. At the end of 2011 I was in a weird place with my job, financially we were really unstable, and I was kind of an emotional wreck. To compensate for my out of control feelings I decided to create a ton of goals for the new year to "help" get my life back on track. Sounds normal right (sarcasm)? I ended up with four categories, and around 90 goals to complete in 12 months!
I did really great for the first 4-6 months; painting rooms, buying rugs, making plans for trips, and opening the vintage store online. It looked like 2012 was on the up and up. Somewhere around June I lost steam, I felt burnt out and tired of all this striving. I had just changed jobs, summer travel plans were being delayed, and then Ryan lost his job. We were still in a pretty big rut, and I was so bitter about it. The goals weren't helping. So I stopped.
For the first time in my life I stopped making lists, and crossing off to-dos, and I just let things be for a little while. By removing the pressure to perform I was actually able to take a step back, and identify real issues that needed to be addressed. Like the perfectionism. I looked around and realized the problem wasn't the lack of rugs in our house, or the fact that our vintage shop wasn't an instant success; the problem was my way of dealing with the little set backs, and dare I say it, failures. You can't compensate for the failures in your life, you can only leave them behind and move on.
I look at those goals left untouched, and see them as a turning point for me. Life is so unpredictable, and I want to embrace the changes (that will inevitably come) with grace, and understanding. Those unfinished projects have taught me it's okay to fail, or find a new road to travel down. I'm an okay person without a long list of accomplishments to carry around with me. I'm still ambitious, I'm still a dreamer, and I'm still busy. Some things will never change, and that's okay too.
Tomorrow I'll be talking about 2013, but what I have to say is going to be WAY different from last year. 2013 is going to be awesome. big kiss, bekuh
