It would be easy for me to look at my list of 2012 goals, and get disheartened by all the ones left untouched. I left a lot undone this year, and in the coming weeks I'll be reading posts about all the amazing things that other people have achieved, and I'm sure I'll start doubting myself thanks to them. But, I'm here today to clear the air (and to leave myself a little reminder): I look at those untouched goals as my greatest achievement this year. You might be questioning my mental state when I say such things, but let me dig in a little before you write me off.
I am a list maker, and a chronic overachiever. I rarely sit still, juggle dozens of projects daily, and feel the need to compete with my personal best at all times. This can be a really healthy attitude for some people, but for me it just creates a lot of anxiety. At the end of 2011 I was in a weird place with my job, financially we were really unstable, and I was kind of an emotional wreck. To compensate for my out of control feelings I decided to create a ton of goals for the new year to "help" get my life back on track. Sounds normal right (sarcasm)? I ended up with four categories, and around 90 goals to complete in 12 months!
I did really great for the first 4-6 months; painting rooms, buying rugs, making plans for trips, and opening the vintage store online. It looked like 2012 was on the up and up. Somewhere around June I lost steam, I felt burnt out and tired of all this striving. I had just changed jobs, summer travel plans were being delayed, and then Ryan lost his job. We were still in a pretty big rut, and I was so bitter about it. The goals weren't helping. So I stopped.
For the first time in my life I stopped making lists, and crossing off to-dos, and I just let things be for a little while. By removing the pressure to perform I was actually able to take a step back, and identify real issues that needed to be addressed. Like the perfectionism. I looked around and realized the problem wasn't the lack of rugs in our house, or the fact that our vintage shop wasn't an instant success; the problem was my way of dealing with the little set backs, and dare I say it, failures. You can't compensate for the failures in your life, you can only leave them behind and move on.
I look at those goals left untouched, and see them as a turning point for me. Life is so unpredictable, and I want to embrace the changes (that will inevitably come) with grace, and understanding. Those unfinished projects have taught me it's okay to fail, or find a new road to travel down. I'm an okay person without a long list of accomplishments to carry around with me. I'm still ambitious, I'm still a dreamer, and I'm still busy. Some things will never change, and that's okay too.
Tomorrow I'll be talking about 2013, but what I have to say is going to be WAY different from last year. 2013 is going to be awesome. big kiss, bekuh
I love it.
ReplyDeleteGoals are great, but they can change... no worries about not getting to them all. Better to have goals to work towards than no goals at all. Can't wait to see what you've got in store for 2013!!
ReplyDeletethanks for your refreshing and honest post!
ReplyDeleteyou're right, 2013 is going to be great! :)
What a great journey to have advanced on, realizing that you can step back and breathe. Pausing to reflect is always a healthy thing to do, especially as you prepare to move forward! I'm happy for you!
ReplyDeleteKirsten
mylifetintedpink.blogspot.com
I'm one of those people who could do with a little (or a lot) of that ambition, but it's important to be balanced. A little bit of stress can help you achieve something, but feeling anxious all the time is bad. When the thought of something overwhelms me, I avoid doing it instead of just starting small and trying. Maybe for 2013 I should have more goals and you less :)
ReplyDeleteThis post is what I went through this year too. I feel like I am able to succeed and enjoy life lately without all the lists and trying to be so perfect. Sometimes you just have to deal with what's in front of you & enjoy what you have right now. That was my accomplishment this year... Learning to let go & sometimes for me that means getting offline, taking a walk, going for a run, trying something new, & embracing the young lady you are right now :) life is much more enjoyable that way! This post was very truthful & inspiring. I wish you all the best & many blessings in 2013 ;)
ReplyDeleteI really love this post, Bekuh! I decided today my only "resolution" for next year will be to let go of things that are no longer serving me. I look back and see overwhelm, too many to-dos, and too much stuff...and that's not what I want to look forward to. Hurray for less, and making room for better days!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely adore this post. As a fellow overachiever/perfectionist, I completely understand the significance of truly feel fulfilled without that long list of accomplishments. Whenever I'm talking to my dad about this struggle, he always says You need to learn to redefine failure. You've only failed if you learn nothing. And on that thought, my sweet friend, you've learned something big this year and that is the ultimate of successes. Cheers to what this past year has brought you and what the next will bring! xo
ReplyDeleteGood for you Bekuh! Letting go is probably the hardest thing, and it looks like you are well on your way to being more stress and anxiety free :)
ReplyDeleteSo great that you found a way to let yourself be. Sometimes it's then that we actually get the most done!
ReplyDeleteBekuh this is such a lovely, honest post. I'm exactly the same; if I sit down for too long doing nothing I feel guilty! When I was busy looking for a job, I started to pile my plate full of courses: pattern cutting, french, extra ballet classes.. to be honest, 2012 has been a very trying year. I bet this was very cathartic to write and I can't wait to get mine off my chest. I'm looking forward to what next year will bring too.
ReplyDeleteHannah xx
This is so beautifully written. I couldn't agree more. I make lists all the time and because of my lifestyle and because of my shortcomings, I don't accomplish them. I don't plan either. Planning doesn't work for me. I don't want to be disappointed in myself, and I think what you did accomplish in 2012 is growing your blog and nurturing this wonderful creative space you have here! -Jessica L
ReplyDeleteJesus, the day I can stop making to-do lists...
ReplyDeleteValentina
http://valentinaduracinsky.blogspot.com/
yes! I love this post so much. and I love that you can articulate it so well, 'cause I feel the same way. I think what I had to work on was not feeling guilty on those days where I was too run down to be productive. It's hard to let go of that feeling, but so freeing when you do, right? :)
ReplyDelete-Elizabeth
I can totally relate to this! And you are right 2013 is going to be awesome!
ReplyDeleteIt's great to have many goals and to strive and to get things done, but it's so important to let things be as well.
And just relax! Things will come to you next year I am sure.
happy new year!
I love this...feel the weight lifted just reading it. :)
ReplyDeleteThat was great. I am very much the same way with overachieving, constant listing, and occasionally setting myelf up for anxiety and lack of accomplishment. Great post for the new year.
ReplyDeleteyou made a negative into a positive and I admire that. I hope 2013 brings you many things EXCEPT a to-do list!
ReplyDeleteWow. That is so great that you got to grow and learn in that way in 2012. I'm happy that you got that chance to step back from the stress and lists. I hope you are blessed with many good things in the new year.
ReplyDeletei completely relate to this. i too am a chronic overachiever & perfectionist & go-getter, and it creates too much anxiety for one person to keep…you know, the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night & makes you want to start working on a project at 4 a.m. it's a blessing, but oh what a curse it is too. i think that's such a mature perspective though, bekuh, about the untouched goals being your best achievement. i really want to embrace that idea more, to slow down, be a little easier on myself, and be content with not having accomplished everything yet. i need to print that statement and stick it up on a wall.
ReplyDeleteon another note: i just want to say how appreciative i am of you & this blog. i feel like you treat this space with such reverence, and such genuineness. i'm always so inspired when i leave your blog -- and not just in the "oh, a new craft to try!" way, but also in the i-want-to-be-a-better-person way. though the "oh, a new craft to try!" way still applies. ; ) really, i'm so grateful for who you are & how you express it on this blog. it's no small thing.