I've had a mean case of the reds lately. You know the drill; getting angry over the littlest things, feeling bad for myself, jealous, and just outright pitiful. In cases such as these it's easier to try and ignore the issue or bury it under the "good things" in life but this is a particularly bad case and instead of hiding I want to share it with you.
I've had a really hard time grappling with why some people seem to get it all handed to them, and why Ryan and I are constantly struggling to make ends meet. You probably didn't know this but Ryan's job is only part time right now and in January they cut his hours back further, so we're running pretty low on cash and stuff happens in life, and sometimes you just need a vacation. That means a hefty chunk of our day-to-day expenses fall on my shoulders and I'm not very good at handling it. Where there once stood a proudly independent woman now sits a petulant child saying, "Why me!?" I always imagined marriage being a fifty-fifty split of responsibilities, but come to find out that isn't always the case, and sometimes one partner has to take on more than the other to make life work.
I've had to put my big girl panties on more than once, and to be completely transparent I've been holding my breath since Ryan's job hunt began and I'm starting to turn purple. It's hard to feel secure, or like you're moving in any direction at all, when a good month is almost breaking even. Things are tough and there have been a couple of nights that I felt like our love just wasn't enough to get us through this.
But then we fight and at the end of the fight I never feel any better about our situation and I walk away feeling more insecure, and stupid, and helpless. There is nothing that can expedite a job search; our economy is so bad that applying to 20+ jobs before getting an interview is the norm, and Ryan is trying his absolute hardest to get us out of this situation. He had an interview recently and we're hoping for more to come. There just isn't much to do but sit and wait for it to happen.
Sorry to dump on you like this, I just needed to vent, and I do feel a little better. We're doing ok, and there will always be someone who has it worse than me. I am trying to concentrate on the good in life like beautiful evenings, silly smiles, laughter, good food, and a devoted dog. Things will be on the up and up soon. big kiss, bekuh
Outfit Details: dress- UO // shoes- Fossil // Bird Necklace- ? came from a boutique in Columbia, SC
Outfit Details: dress- UO // shoes- Fossil // Bird Necklace- ? came from a boutique in Columbia, SC
Awww, Bekuh, I'm so sorry. Sometimes it is just good to vent. To just get it out, ya know. Times are tough, that is for sure. Just hang in there. It may not seem like it, but things have a way of turning around...
ReplyDeleteThanks for you sweet words of support Erica
Deletefound ya through Gentri Lee and I'm in LOVE!! So happy I found your blog! You are darling!!
ReplyDeleteJessi
cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.com
wishing you and ryan lots of luck in his job search! thanks for being honest, it's nice to see real life issues on blogs. makes me feel more normal when life gets bumpy! :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I relocated a year ago and I had a really tough time finding a stable job, and it most definitely put a strain on our relationship. It is just so important to focus on each other and know that its only temporary. I hope your partner finds a full time job soon!
ReplyDeleteLauren
http://tasteslikelove.blogspot.com
Lauren,
DeleteThanks for your sweet comment. I'm sorry you had to go through something so similar, but happy it's worked out for you now.
I'm so sorry, Bekih. Fingers are crossed for you and Ryan. Just like Erica said, things have a way of turning around. I hope it gets much better sooner than later.
ReplyDeleteDanie, you're always so sweet to me. Thanks for your support
DeleteIt's good to vent. Sending good juju your way :)
ReplyDeleteI'll take your good juju and match it. Thanks for your support.
DeleteI'm so sorry Bekuh. I know what you mean though... where people get things handed to them? I'm not working right now and my boyfriend who I have been with for almost a year is paying my bills. I feel so pathetic. The good thing about it all is that, my bills don't add up to much each month and he agreed to do that so I could go to college again as a full-time student in the fall. I'm thankful for it. He makes pretty good money, but I just don't like being taken care of. It's a first for me and it's something I'm still trying to get used to. I like being independent and making my own money. I'm excited for school though and since I don't have to work, I can do so much more with my academics or extracurricular activities. Keep your head up, Bekuh! Oh, and your outfit is adorable, by the way! I love Fossil!
ReplyDeleteXO Krystin
I'm so glad you have someone who can help support you during this transition, and thank you for sharing your own story of struggle. There are so many like it out there which is both a comfort and a concern. Best of luck at school!
DeleteLife gets tough my dear, you're right...but attitude is everything. It's important to try and stay positive in these times because like you said, fighting doesn't make things better (it only tends to make things worse) and you both need to stay strong and be able to lean on each other in these hard times.,.
ReplyDeleteYou're lovely people so things will work out! In the mean time, vent away...after all, it's your blog!
XO
I don't know why I keep apologizing for writing heart felt post on my own blog, thanks for pointing that out. My chin is up and I'm looking forward to the future. That will just have to be enough for now. Thanks for checking in on me sweetie pie.
Deletecame here through Gentri Lee's blog of the week post. So glad I found you, say hello to your newest follower!! :) Hope all goes well with the job hunt, keep the heads up!!
ReplyDeletekelly elizabeth
I came here from Gentri Lee's blog. Your story sounds familiar. It's a tough economy and all those cliches don't make it feel better. It helps to vent it out. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
ReplyDeleteJana, Thanks for reading, hopefully from here on out things will be much more positive and life will follow suit.
DeleteThat DRESS. Ooh I love it. xo!
ReplyDeleteyoull get through it bekuh!! you have such a beautiful outlook on life things are bound to start going up soon! ill send some positive thoughts towards ryans hunt (job searching is SERIOUSLY the most frustrating task isnt it?)
ReplyDeleteCONGRATS on blog of the week from gentri!
Allie, you're such a positive voice with such a big heart. Thanks for being their chica.
DeleteI hope things turn out better for you two fairly soon! Take a breather. It's great that you are trying to focus on the good. Don't let it bring you down!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I can SO relate. Jeff was without a job for EIGHT months last year (and six of those I was pregnant). It was definitely a trying and challenging time for us.
ReplyDeleteOn the good side, I think we learned a lot about what is really important life - both materialistically and not - that has carried us into this next stage of our lives (parenting) a little more gracefully.
Praying for ya'll!
I'm so sorry to hear this. (But am so impressed by your complete honesty!) I'm the one who is struggling to find a job (unemployed English teacher...), and I always feel guilty that all the weight falls on my husband's shoulders. Let's hope the economy can improve. I wish the both of you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteCara-Mia I had no idea! I hope you find something soon, I know Ryan feels really guilty but of course I know that it's not his fault in the least, he tries sooo hard. I know you'll find the right job before you know it, and in the mean time you've got a great hubby to help you along the way.
DeleteWe are in the same boat. My husband was laid off in Mar 2009. Since then he has been doing whatever he can to help with the bills. He does not have a "regular" job because he started his own little business. He needs my help too just like I need his and since we don't have kids then I can be out in the workforce. Right now, most of the bills fall on my shoulders and yes I have the occasional pity party for myself. This is life right now and instead of waiting for the change we want (and, it will come), we have to embrace today because even though the days can be hard and depressing, there is always something to give thanks for. Also, what has helped us tremendously is to be on a monthly budget. It helps us to see everything calculated and shows us where we can make adjustments. I know you are venting and probably are fine now (it helps me to vent too), but hopefully I can encourage you a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think I would die without our budget! I know we'll get through this together, and you will too! I'm sorry you're going through something so similar, but thank you for sharing your own story.
Deletei keep wearing red and blue lately....i think it might be a not-so-hidden giddy anticipation for the 4th of july, because i adore that holiday ohsomuch. ...also, job hunting is the worst. THE WORST. keep your chin up.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I think I subconsciously wear this color combination more in July, totally not on purpose. I blame it on my mother, she loves to dress for the holiday. I'll definitely keep my chin up
DeleteI just read about you on Gentri Lee... your blog is SO cute!! How did I not know about it until now?!? I'm your newest follower, I'd love it if you followed me back:)
ReplyDeleteShelby xoxo
shelbychasingbirdies.blogspot.com
When I read your post this morning, I felt like it was something I could have written myself. I definitely identified with so many of the moments you described - it's hard when breaking even is your goal every billing cycle. I wish that I had more comforting words to say here, but just know that you aren't facing this alone. I hope your husband catches a break soon. Keep us posted :)
ReplyDeleteIt's always good to know that you're not alone in struggles. I hope that you too find balance in a troubled economic environment and stay sane in the meantime.
DeleteI saw your post on A Dreamer's Daze this morning and I just wanted to say how much I love your inspirations. New follower! Also, thank you for your honesty in this post. I can certainly relate.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found me through Arial! She's such a sweetie. I hope you'll keep reading, and I promise I'll keep being honest.
DeleteI found you through Gentri. So glad I did. You have an awesome blog and style.
ReplyDeleteI love that dress. Your ombre looks very pretty too!!
XX
SIRI ELAINE
www.sirielaine.com
Siri, I'm so glad you found me too. I hope you'll keep reading :)
DeleteAw, sweet Bekuh. I'm sorry that things are tough right now, but thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles. Bloggers tend to only talk about the good things in their lives, and while I think it's great that they want to create a positive space online, it also makes readers think that everything is perfect all the time, which can actually be disheartening for those of us who don't have it all together 24-7. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but since I don't, just know that I appreciated your openness.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I tried on this dress at UO, but it look terrible on me. Looks like it was made for you :) (the pineapple dress looked pretty good on me, though, and I am tempted to go back and get it... haha)
http://viennawaitsblog.blogspot.com/
Sierra, Your support means a lot no wisdom required. I think you should totally go back and buy the pinapple dress. We could be twinsees haha
Deletethat dress is adorable! i especially love the back of it :)
ReplyDeleteOh bekuh,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry things are tough right now. I COMPLETELY know how that feels... from a single point of view. As a family point of view I can relate because my dad has been inbetween many jobs within the last two years and it's so hard on everyone. I know things will get better. Either because they improve financially or you get stronger. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :)
Gentri,
DeleteYou're too sweet thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, and I remember the stressful days of singledom when my paycheck just didn't stretch far enough. Scary times.
So sorry things are difficult right now. I can relate from a slightly different standpoint as my father was out of work for nearly a year last year and found it nearly impossible to get a new job in this economy. I've found myself helping out a lot with family expenses. I'm more than happy to do so, but it's something entirely new for me.
ReplyDeleteTimes are tough, but things always get better :)
Sending lots of love.
Amy I can't imagine having to help pull my parents out of a slump, that must have been extrememly difficult. You're so brave, thanks for sharing.
DeleteI just found your blog & I'm very glad I did. I love your honesty! Your situation sounds difficult, and I hope the pressure is soon relieved.
ReplyDeleteI'll definitely be following along to hear both the good and the bad!!
xo Beck
P.S Love your hair!
Beck, Thanks for finding me and not getting scared away by this depressing post. Hopefully you'll be reading a lot more about the good, and not so much the bad from now on.
DeleteWe have been in tje excact same place this winter and fall. Its so hard and i hate that economy can create sou much unbalance in a relationship. But everything will work out in the end, just stick with it! I think the early years of a marrige is to stabilize everything; the shared economy, lifestyle, love, the induvidual. Its hard but i guess we will get out stronger on the other side.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, this makes it easier for people struggling trough the same, and i dont think everybody gets tjings handed down. But whats fun with that?
Hugs
Thank you for your kind words, you're right about the early years of marriage being about stabilizing. That's a good thing to remember, we don't need to have it all worked out right now.
Deletefirst your outfit is adorable. this dress looks wonderful on you and you are just such an adorable woman.
ReplyDeleteand job hunting is scary. and it is really hard when one partner makes more or all of the money. currently i am working while my husband goes through school, and while i dont mind, it gets hard thinking about him having to get out and job hunt.
and it takes awhile. i applied to well over 60 jobs, and i got the call back for the one i have now two months before they hired me. when they hired me, they wanted me in the next week, and it was a across state lines move over 8 hours away, and i owned a home. rough.
i really wish you guys the best. my advice is to do what my husband and i did while we were jobless for about 4 months : focus on cooking meals together from simple ingredients, take lots of walks to parks, and try taking up a project to improve your professional life. my husband made an iphone game, and i did an additional design project for my portfolio.
hope that helps :D
<3 katherine
ofcorgisandcocktails.com
Katherine, 60 jobs! Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've finally found something, and I hope it smoothes out soon. We hadn't thought of taking up a project to work on our professional life, what a good idea. I've been coloring a lot, does that count?
DeleteI just discovered your blog and I absolutely adore it! You have such a gorgeous sense of style and the photos are lovely too xxx
ReplyDeleteoh, honey. this made my heart sink. we can totally relate right now, & i feel like in the past several months i've become this nasty, whining child who's always begging the universe to turn me into one of those lucky kids who got school paid for, has a trust fund...it's rough. and the self-pity is never, ever good for a relationship. but i think the fact that you are able to abstract yourself from the problem, and look at it with SUCH clear eyes, with a sense of wanting to switch things around -- that speaks volumes, and big ones at that. i know it's so hard right now, but you just have to cling to ryan & love him & let him love you & just have trust that everything will work out. know that you are not alone. keep your chin up, up, up. i love you madly, darling. xo.
ReplyDeleteBridget, you're a doll. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wishes my parents had paid for school, or I'd been born with a trust fun. Totally out of the question but still. You're a peach, thanks.
Deletei just came across your blog, and i can totally relate. my hubby, also named ryan, had been looking for a job for almost 6 months. he had one for a month or so but could barely get any hours and was getting paid minimum wage, not the way you really want to start out your marriage, huh? after much searching, praying, and interviews, ryan finally got a job. i hated waiting it out because my job didn't pay the best and i was still in school. now finally we just got a new job and he loves it. i know what you mean and i know how you feel, and i constantly finding myself asking why? i want a vacation, a week on the beach, how to people do it every week.
ReplyDeleteluckily ryan is so positive and is always positive about everything. i just have to think that's not my life, at least i'm healthy and i have a job and can go to school. eventually i'll get that vacation, i might not ever be the person that gets everything handed to me, but eventually i think we will catch a break. i don't think thats very helpful, i doubt it, but i think its important to think that this isn't forever. take joy in the little things and be thankful for the weekends. so glad i found your blog, sorry i feel like i just vented to you but i hope things get beter, and i know they will.
K
ps, you are adorable, thought i would throw that out there.
I always try to think about the positive, and it's good to hear that your husband did eventually find something he likes doing. Ryan loves working with the kids now but we just can't afford for him to continue to work part-time. My biggest fear is that he'll feel disappointed my whatever work he does fine in conmparison. This gives me hope, thanks!
DeleteThank you for your honesty. I've felt the same way before. The first 4 years that my boyfriend and I were together we were in school, and not able to earn a full salary, and it can really put stress on a relationship. It sucks fighting about money, because it feels so small compared to love. I'm sure you two will work through this, and you'll look back on this time in your relationship, and be thankful that you had each other. <3
ReplyDeleteWe keep telling ourselves "In ten years we'll look back on this..." It's nice to hear that someone actually is looking back on it and has survived. Thanks for sharing
DeleteBrave. This took serious guts to post about. It takes strength to be transparent to anyone let alone many people you don't really even know. I understand what you're going through. Rion's hours were cut at one point and it was scary. We will be praying for you guys. God has a place for you and Ryan.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this! You definitely aren't alone, I've been the main breadwinner while my husband has started a freelance business. Although I'm excited for him to do so sometimes it's a lot of pressure! Yes, someone always has it worse but that doesn't mean you can't vent once in awhile and hope for a change! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! You sound so adjusted to the idea and that's an inspiration, I hope you'r husband's work comes along quickly.
DeleteI can't say much, but hang in there girl. Stay positive, have to always put positive energy out.. you'll get it back. Optimistic and positive :)
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a little late to the game, but I can totally relate. Hang in there, girl! Things will get better.
ReplyDelete